“He watches a lot of English movies, I’ll give him that.”
Anil Kapoor’s character talking about Ajay Devgan’s train bomber in Tezz.
It may surprise you to find that Tezz is not the worst film I’ve seen in 2012. That said, I still don’t think it’s worth much of my time writing it up, so let’s play a game of Twenty Questions, shall we? Most of these were scribbled down as I watched the film, some were contributed by Mr. Totally Filmi:
- I thought they were cutting the item number. Why didn’t they cut the item number?
- Blackface and afro wigs. Really?
- Wait. Did she just pick up the bomb from inside the garbage bag and walk onto the train with it?
- Why do most of the employees in the rail control office speak with American accents?
- Why does Anil Kapoor’s character pick up the cigarette butt with a forceps?
- Why do I not care one bit about any of these characters?
- Why is Ajay Devgan’s character such an arse?
- Why were they transporting the guy who sold the explosives from London to Glasgow?
- And how did he get out of his handcuffs?
- Ajay Devgan’s character is deported, and the immigration department doesn’t even have a photo of him?
- Kangana’s character was sent to prison for 6 months for defaulting on a loan?
- And she became a kindergarten teacher after being in prison?
- Ajay Devgan’s character is deported, and his wife (who is pregnant with his son) can’t get on a plane to go visit him in India? Even after getting out of jail?
- Ajay Devgan’s character claims he didn’t want to endanger anyone, yet he puts a bomb on a freaking train?
- The restaurant where Boman Irani’s character is supposed to find the instructions for defusing the bomb just happens to go up in flames? Really?
- Is Farah Khan really the only director to ever get a decent performance out of Zayed Khan?
- How did Anil Kapoor’s character know where to find Zayed Khan’s character?
- And after all that parkour running around London, how did Ajay Devgan know which bridge Zayed Khan’s character would jump off of?
- And how did Ajay Devgan’s character know that there’d be a jetski just where he needed it?
- Why did they run a ladder between the two trains instead of something more solid?
So, all in all, Tezz is a bit of a mess, a pastiche of many other films, and does nothing new or original with the material. There are split screens that really serve no purpose, there are backstories that still don’t manage to convey much more information about the characters, or make you really care about them in any way. There is absolutely no tension at all, none, zip.
Tezz, did, however, turn out to be probably the most unintentionally funny films I’ve seen in a while, and I actually felt kind of guilty in the theatre, because Mr. Totally Filmi and I were laughing hysterically all the way through – and we were the only ones.
That said – Tezz is proof that Mohanlal is a terrific actor even when you put rubbish dialogues in his character’s mouth; that Boman Irani deserves his place on my list of favourite actors; and that Anil Kapoor is still one of the coolest, most stylish guys in the business.
Personally, though? If I really wanted to see a multi-star film that makes me care about the characters, that uses the need for speed to create tension, and that makes terrific use of hyper-link structure, I’d go search out Rajesh Pillai’s 2011 Malayalam film Traffic. And if I wanted to see a great film about a fast train, I’d watch Ravi Chopra’s magnificent film The Burning Train.